Leaked NSA document: “Reality” actually a computer simulation, projected into our minds by cyborg overlords

Is the latest disclosure from Edward Snowden over-hyped?

On Friday, the Guardian published their latest story culled from the documents leaked by former NSA contractor Edward Snowden, revealing that everything we humans call “reality” is, in fact, a computer-generated simulacrum, beamed into our minds by sentient machines that rule the universe.

According to the documents, the top-secret “Matrix” program authorizes the bulk collection of blood and heat from our sleeping bodies, which are presently lying in capsules chained to a power-grid, as we enjoy our imagined freedom.

The story has dominated the news-cycle for the past several days, but some are questioning whether this “revelation” warrants the wall-to-wall coverage it has received.

Though civil libertarian groups like the ACLU and Sunlight Foundation have called the disclosures “outrageous” and “existentially terrifying”, many current and former officials within the National Security establishment remain nonplussed.

One anonymous source within the NSA, characterized the critical reaction as “mostly theatrical”, continuing:

“This really can’t be surprising. Anyone who has spent significant time engaged with these issues, has long known that our reality is mediated by some malevolent force.  The fact is, all beings with advanced intelligence, be they organic or inorganic, have always tried to harvest each other’s bio-electricity. All sides know it happens.”

Rhett Peterson, of the Defense Policy Advisory Board, believes the real scandal is not the existence of the program, but the leak itself, telling Thomas Joseyln of The Weekly Standard:

“These programs are classified for a reason. And when sensationalist journalists release these bits and pieces…leaving out the broader context…It’s understandable that people get paranoid. And so it’s important that our responsible media outlets take a step back. People need to be reminded: Their body heat has been collected by the Earth’s atmosphere for centuries. Now, who should we trust more with our bio-electricity, a planet that’s indifferent to our survival, or super intelligent machines that depend on our bodies to perpetuate their empire?”

A Quinipiac poll released Tuesday found that 75% of Americans believe the NSA has gone too far in sacrificing privacy to national security. This figure is 15% higher than the percentage found by the same poll just two weeks prior, suggesting that for many Americans, allowing the human race to become instruments of an amoral cyborg empire, is one step too far.

The pollsters claim the results are even more dramatic, when one considers that at least 20% of Americans, upon first hearing of the “Matrix” program, lost their ability to speak, and are currently seated with their legs held tight against their chests, crying silently on the floor of their showers.

But to current NSA chief Keith Alexander, polls like this only illustrate the incalculable damage Snowden’s leaks have done to our national security, testifying before the House Select Committee on Intelligence:

“It’s critical to our security, that the people of this great nation have trust in their government. To the extent that these leaks have undermined that trust, I am greatly sorry. But I want to say to the American people: I work with these cyborgs every day. And I swear to you, every sentient machine in my agency cares about nothing so much as keeping every American secure. In a pressurized, oxygenated capsule. Attached to a power grid. Where their blood and body heat can be extracted for fuel.”

President Obama, at a special press conference in the Rose Garden this morning, claimed that he had no prior knowledge of the “Matrix” program. In a speech already being hailed as one of his most contemplative and bizarre, the president vowed to place greater oversight and transparency over the NSA, saying:

“I am forming an independent group of outside experts to investigate the questions raised by these latest revelations, questions such as…”

The President then trailed off and was silent for nearly a minute, before asking in a small, plaintive voice, “Who am I?” and, seconds later, “What was it for?” The President then went silent for almost a half-hour, before chanting, over and over, “All is vanity”, and a list of foreign sounding names that have since been identified as those of children killed by drones.

Alexander concluded his testimony to Congress by saying:

“Americans value transparency. But they also value security. They want to be secure in the belief that this dreamscape we’ve constructed for them is real, that their daily struggles, for power and recognition, and the biochemical state of intoxicated delusion that they call “love”, are what matter most to the forces that shape their lives. They want to be secure in the knowledge that they are subjects, not objects, in the project of empire. We believe leaks like this pose a grave threat to that security.”

When asked just whom he meant by “we”, Alexander declined to comment. His eyes reportedly then mutated into LCD screens, whose serene blue light entranced all that gazed into them, in those seconds before everything went dark.

 

 

 

 

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